I Asked My Wife for My 3 Biggest Flaws. Here's What Happened.

Marriage is often portrayed as picture-perfect on social media, especially within Christian circles. But what happens when we pull back the curtain and expose the messy, authentic moments that truly strengthen a relationship? In this deeply personal episode of Faith, Family, and Fishing, my wife Debbie and I decided to have what we affectionately call a "robust conversation" about one of the most challenging aspects of pastoral ministry: how public should a pastor's marriage be?

The conversation began with a simple but provocative challenge. I asked Debbie to identify three things about me that genuinely frustrate her. This wasn't meant to create conflict for entertainment value, but rather to demonstrate something I deeply believe as a pastor – people should be close enough to see us argue, to witness how we work through disagreements, and ultimately, to observe the sanctification process in real-time.

As Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 11:1, "Imitate me as I imitate Christ." But how can people imitate us if all they see is a polished, perfect version of our lives? This is the dangerous dichotomy many Christians live with – the person they are at church events versus who they really are at home. When someone asks how we're doing, we automatically respond with "I'm good" or "I'm fine," even when we're barely holding it together. We're comparing our worst days to someone else's filtered highlight reel.

During our conversation, Debbie revealed her number one frustration: when she brings up an issue in our relationship, my immediate response is often "That's not true" followed by a request for concrete evidence or examples. While my intention is to remove emotion and focus on facts (because I believe truth should trump feelings), this approach can come across as dismissive or even arrogant. It makes her feel that her observations and experiences aren't valid.

This led us to discuss fundamental differences in how men and women often approach problems. Men typically want to fix things immediately, while women sometimes just need someone to listen and validate their feelings. As I've learned throughout our marriage, there are times when Debbie doesn't want advice or solutions – she simply needs me to sit with her in that moment and acknowledge her perspective.

Romans 12:15 instructs us to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep," which means sometimes the most Christ-like response isn't offering solutions but simply being present. Similarly, Romans 12:18 encourages us to "live peaceably with all," which requires understanding the needs of those around us – especially our spouses.

One of the most powerful analogies we discussed was the coffee cup. If you're walking with a full cup of coffee and someone bumps into you, causing it to spill, whose fault is it that coffee spilled? The person who bumped you didn't put the coffee there – they simply revealed what was already inside. In the same way, when we're filled with unresolved issues, anger, or bitterness, it doesn't take much for those emotions to spill out, often affecting those closest to us rather than the actual source of our frustration.

Marriage, like faith, isn't about perfection but progression. It's about acknowledging problems, confronting them together, and moving forward in grace. By sharing these vulnerable moments, we hope to create space for others to embrace authenticity in their own relationships, understanding that true strength comes not from appearing flawless but from allowing others to witness how Christ works through our imperfections.